What Are We Really Teaching When We Say ‘Hit Back’?

In today's edition of Respectfully Speaking - we talk about the concept of RETALIATION. Over the past few weeks, while helping out in the office and chatting with students about how to handle tricky situations with their peers, I’ve noticed something that’s really stayed with me: a lot of children genuinely believe it’s okay to “hit back” when someone hurts or upsets them.

In one conversation, I asked a student, “If you were driving and another driver started being aggressive—what do you think would happen if you decided to hit back?” The question caught them off guard. It gave them a moment to reflect, and that pause was powerful.

The thing is, this belief—that retaliation is justified if you feel wronged—can lead us down a path that creates more harm than good. When kids are taught that physical retaliation is an acceptable response, we’re not just risking more conflict in the moment—we’re also missing the chance to teach them skills that will serve them far better in the long run.

Why Retaliation Isn’t the Way Forward

I’ve read a lot on this topic, spoken with many parents, and spent time reflecting on what really helps children thrive—not just in school, but in life. I completely understand where the “hit back” mindset comes from. Often, it’s rooted in love and a desire to protect. But research—and real-life experience—shows us that it just doesn’t work the way we hope it will.

Instead of teaching children to protect themselves through aggression, we need to equip them with the tools to resolve conflict, manage emotions, and stand up for themselves in safe, respectful ways.

The Problem With “Hitting Back”

It escalates conflict rather than solving it.
When we teach kids to hit back, we’re essentially teaching them to mirror harmful behaviour—not manage it. The Child Mind Institute (2023) notes that when aggression is met with aggression, things tend to spiral rather than settle. And let’s be honest—we’ve all seen how quickly a small disagreement can blow up when tempers flare.

It can have real-world consequences.
Even if a child is provoked, retaliating physically can lead to serious repercussions. Schools often have strict no-violence policies, so the child who hits back might end up in trouble—regardless of who started it. As StopBullying.gov points out, responding aggressively can result in suspension, punishments, or strained relationships.

It doesn’t build the skills they really need.
Hitting back might give a momentary sense of power or control, but it doesn’t help children learn how to actually solve the problem. They miss out on chances to build emotional awareness, learn self-control, and practice assertive communication. As Waterford.org (2021) puts it, children need guidance to express themselves without aggression—and that’s a lifelong skill.

It sends the wrong message about strength.
When we present physical strength as the solution, we risk teaching children that power is about control rather than understanding. That’s not the message we want to send. True resilience comes from knowing how to stay calm, work through problems, and treat others with respect—even in tough situations.

Someone could get hurt.
Young children especially don’t always understand how quickly things can go wrong. In the heat of the moment, they might overreact or cause more harm than intended. As Rutgers Policy Lab (2022) shares, young kids often overestimate their ability to protect themselves and may actually increase danger by retaliating.

It can have lasting emotional effects.
Physical conflict—whether started or returned—can leave emotional scars. Kids who are caught up in ongoing conflict often feel anxious, disconnected, or unsafe. StopBullying.gov (2023) highlights that repeated exposure to conflict can lead to emotional and behavioural challenges over time.

It complicates the bullying dynamic.
Bullying isn’t just a disagreement—it’s often about power. And when a child retaliates, it can feed into the bully’s game, escalate the issue, or even shift blame to the one who fought back. The Anti-Bullying Alliance (UK) explains that retaliation can make it harder for adults to understand what really happened and offer the right support.

What Can We Teach Instead?

Instead of encouraging kids to hit back, we can guide them toward healthier, more effective ways to respond. Some powerful strategies include:

• Teaching clear conflict resolution skills – like how to talk things out, express feelings safely, and work toward a solution. (Child Mind Institute, 2023)
• Promoting assertiveness, not aggression – helping kids speak up for themselves calmly and clearly. (Waterford.org, 2021)
• Encouraging them to seek help from trusted adults – and reassuring them that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. (StopBullying.gov, 2023)
• Building empathy and understanding – teaching kids to see things from someone else’s perspective, even if that person is acting out. (NAEYC, 2023)
• Focusing on confidence and self-worth – so children feel secure in who they are and are less likely to react with aggression. (Waterford.org, 2021)

Helping children grow into calm, confident, and emotionally intelligent people isn’t easy—but it’s worth it. When we give them the tools to respond to conflict with empathy, self-awareness, and a clear voice, we’re setting them up for long-term success.

Hitting back might feel satisfying in the moment—but the real strength lies in knowing how to stay calm, ask for help, and choose peace over power.

If you have any thoughts or suggestions, I’d love to hear them. You can reach me at czarina.rowe@education.wa.edu.au.